Ok say your a celebrity now, actor or actress, you
find urself going out with someone in the acting world
, but your not sure whether the two of you are
going to make it as a Super Celebrity Couple ?
Heres a (definitive) guide in what you need to consider.
After all why are you going out with this person anyway,
is it not to just to boost your own personal profile and
appear in every crappy magazine out there.
1. What is your super celebrity couple name ? All the
super couples have catchy couple names that can be bandied
around in the press when referring to the two of them
together, eg. brangelina and tomkat. So running my
name in the simulators for natalie (portman) or scarlett
(johannson) I could only form RayNat which sounds like
some sort of vermin poison or Rascarlett, a small
mischieveous child. Not such a good start.
2. Release a shit film where you both star together! So
now people know your a couple, they want to see how you
met, unfortunately as no documentary exists on the fact
that you hooked up at some bad elton john party where
he was probably auctioning off the clothes he was wearing
earlier in the evening, the public will be dying
to see the film where you "met". This is despite the fact
you hooked up well before the making of the film, and it appeared
in lots of magazines. Your film can be as dull as shit
coz the same people who read the magazines that you feature
in which are as dull as shit will also see your film. It
is helpful to have a title like Mr and Mrs X, so people
know the film will feature you as a couple. The plot can have the
holes the size of the san andreas fault as long as the couple make
out enuff times, and a do a few couply things. People
will take this as a valuable insight in how their real lives
must actually be, may be Brad and Angelina try and kill
each other with pots and pans and then make out while still
beating one another, Oh they are so cool !
3. Wacky religious beliefs / practices ? It is helpul if you
have strange religous belifs or do things like swapping vials
of blood with one another and sticking it in your hair. This
helps maximise your X factor, but sadly it is unlikely to
make anyone think you are any less of a freak, but it does
help pad out the gossip columns. If your struggling to find
a "religon" that suits you , make one up ! Pick one of
your favourite/interesting subjects you did at school and add ology
as a suffix. Eg. gym, so u would say you worshiped "gymology",
some of the beliefs might include wearing small shorts and the
urge to climb any dangling ropes.
4. Having children ? This is going to take up a lot of space
in gossip magazines, so its good to get it right. Firstly
it helps to go to a secret hideaway retreat to give birth,
but unfortunately you have left a post-it note on the door of your
mansion saying gone to mogadishu to give birth to children, and
some cunning paparazzi guy has read the note and also tipped
of everyone else. Eventually everyone in mogadishu knows
but does not care, and so does the rest of the world. It is
good to bring a massive entourage with you, in fact it helps
if your net worth exceeds the GDP of the country you go to.
In selecting which country you should go to, be creative! If
you have a huskies why not go to siberia, so your pets can
have somewhere to play with, and the snow and extreme cold will
provide an adequate buffer against the most enthusisastic of
paparazzi. Tho remember you only want to pretend that you dont
want the paparazzi to take photos , so it would be helpful that
you provide them with a snow mobile so they can get around easily.
5. Naming your children ? - This is a chance to show your creative
side, hey acting is an art, and naming your kids can be an art
as well. Heres a chance to scar someone elses life by
giving them some ridiculous name. Whats in vogue these days,
well you can pick a name relating to a city/place youve been to or
would like to go, i do like tonga , but perhaps thats only
because of the late show. But why do that , when you can perhaps
choose the name of the restaurant you went to. You could call
your kid "subway" or even better the meal you had "meatball
marinara". Why he or she will be the coolest kid at school.
I guess thats what happened wtih meatloaf. Some chilren
are part of a large franchise, like Paris Hilton, which
isnt a bad name, but i wonder if there are any Elizabeth
Bilos floating around. Also, its also a novel idea to let
someone else name your kid, like a political leader in the country
you are having the child. This really helps speed things up in
customs. You could just set up an sms poll, as everyone already
has your number from paris hilton's phone!
6. Should you adopt ? Adopting children is very hip these days.
For one, if your a girl, i imagine child birth would be
pretty tuff, and why do all the hard work when someone else
has done it for you. When adopting a child its helpful that
obviously the child comes from a poor background coz if the
mum does want the child back, they wont be able to afford
the astronomical legal fees it would take to try and get
custod. Apart from denying the child a "normal"
life of playing with kids his age and may be his background,
why stop there ? Feel free to give the child even further
psychological problems. After all you possibly could be the
hottest couple in the world and your adopted child will obviously
have no chance of disguising the fact that say brad pitt and
anglina jolie didnt give birth to a baby who is extremely dark,
even if they do start putting babies in tanning beds from
an early age. On top of that when you give birth to your own
children, they will be amazingly good looking, help increasing
the childs inferiority complex. Tho discipline should be easy,
as you can always thereaten to return them to some impoverished
african country, even if they didnt actually come from their.
7. Noble cause. As a couple its also helpful to have a noble
hobby that you occasionaly pursue, as shooting furry animals
with large rifles suprisingly doesnt count. Giving maps
of where there are mines is helpful, giving children a map
with the mines, but writing treasure hunt on it is probably
not so helpful.
Anyway, I hope if you do find yourself in the akward position
of perhaps being a celebrity super couple , take some of these
tips on board with you, and ill read about them in the latest
"Why ?" or Who (give a shite) magazine.